When I Grow Up…

When you look at my age, and my bills, you would consider me a grown-up.  I own a home and a car.  I have a Master’s degree.  I’m gainfully employed.  But I don’t feel grown-up.  On the inside, I’m a kid waiting to experience the magic of adulthood.

I thought being a grown-up meant that I could do WHATEVER I wanted to do…whenever I wanted to do it.  That is partly true.  But there are so many things that tie me down.  So many responsibilities that I didn’t have when I was child.

My therapist really got my wheels spinning in my most recent session.  He told me that I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up.  He didn’t say it in a condescending way.  He really just reminded me that I do have options.  I don’t have to continue on the path that I’m currently on.  I can choose a different career, a different home, a new life.

That’s the magic of adulthood I suppose, but it’s not the magic that I was looking for.  When I was eighteen and on the cusp of embracing adulthood, I started to pull back.  The thing that I wanted so badly was right in my grasp, and it was scary.

I find myself in that same position in this season of my life.  A new beginning is within my reach.  Should I touch it?  Do I dare stretch out my hand and reach for something that’s unfamiliar and foreign?  What DO I want to be when I grow up?

I may be the only person that has experienced these feelings.  I followed everyone else’s idea of success and prosperity.  People can look at me and think I made it, but let’s peel back these layers.  Where did I make it to?  The deeper that I dig inside of me, the more questions that it creates.  I suppose ya’ll will have a front row seat as I decide what I want to be when I grow up.  #wepreach