An Unconventional Homecoming

Sitting at my computer and typing is a homecoming of sorts for me.  I did not realize how much I missed it…how much I need it…until my fingers started flying across these keys.  This is therapy for me.  This is ministry for me.  This is freedom.  God meets me here, and I am thankful that He did not count me out.  Although I have missed many of our appointments, He has faithfully shown up.

So, what has Bible Study Girl been doing to handle her grief?  Lots of random things.  Binge-watching true crimes and murder mystery shows.  Eating.  Not eating.  Exercising excessively.  Not moving at all. Crying.  Laughing.  Rearranging furniture.  Looking through old pictures.  Watching family videos.  Did you notice that I did not mention reading my Bible?  Or attending church (virtually or in-person)?

To be fair, my bestie agreed to do a six-week Bible study with me in the initial stages of my grief.  After laying around for a couple of months, I was ready to get back in the Word.  And our study was EVERYTHING that I needed.  Again, God met me there and talked to me.  Directly to me.  And at the end of the study, I KNEW that I needed to get back on this computer.  So I did….once.  And then dropped back into my no Jesus routine.

Just to be clear, I am fully aware that Jesus is always with me.  The Holy Spirit lives in me.  In Him, I live, move, and have my being.  But I was not fully on board with the living and moving.  I was more on board with the existing.  Until recently.  And I honestly cannot tell you what changed.  Actually, I can.  My willingness to be obedient to Him despite my feelings.

If you hadn’t noticed, I am big on the emotions.  If you know me personally, you can probably hear my voice as you read these blogs.  You can add the inflections that I would use with each word.  Because I feel my feelings and when I’m really feeling my feelings, I want others to feel them too.  While I need to allow space to feel my feelings, I cannot continue to be RULED by them.  Because we all know that some of our feelings get us in BIG TROUBLE.

And Lord knows, I have allowed my grief to get me in some hot water.  Not with people.  With God.  Each time I hear His voice and ignore Him, I am not only hurting myself but potentially other people.  I met a lady two years ago who shared her story with me and a bunch of other women at a conference.  Now, I don’t even know this lady’s name, but her testimony activated a series of events in my life that was literally life-changing.  She didn’t know me.  But she was obedient to the voice of God, and her obedience propelled my life in a completely unexpected direction.

What if she just hadn’t felt like it that day?  What if she felt that her testimony was too personal to share with a room full of strangers?  What is she was too nervous to muster up the courage?  What if she was mad and just decided to push her products?  Where would I be?

When I think about the people that have changed my life by being obedient to God, I am convicted.  And I am convinced.  While it will certainly not be easy every day, I know that I have to follow Christ.  And trust His voice.  #wepreach