Still, Small Voice

It has been months since I last sat at this computer.  I walk by it daily.  It sits on the dining room table.  I glance at it while I am watching TV.  I wonder if I should close it up and put it in a drawer.  But then I realize that requires energy that I do not have.  So, it has occupied its home on the dining room table, and I have embraced my newfound love for my couch and my bed.  Until today.

I did it.  I surrendered.  I obeyed the still, small voice that has been telling me to write for over a month.  I have spent a lot of time in quiet spaces lately, so I can’t say that it was too loud for me to hear God’s voice.  Even though His voice was still and small, I heard Him clearly.  I just chose to ignore Him.  I did not want to hear anything He had to say to me.  While it may sound extreme, it is my truth.

He did not raise His voice.  Thunder did not roll.  Lightning did not flash.  He used my cat, Fitz.  As I was pushing myself up out of bed one morning, I felt something in the bed with me.  It was just a pen.  Weird because I had no recollection of bringing a pen to bed.  When I got fully out of the bed, I realized that it was not just one pen.  Literally, every pen that I had in my house was scattered around my bed.  Fitz had surrounded me with writing instruments.  I not only heard the voice of God, but I physically saw what He wanted from me.  Now anybody in their right mind would have run to the computer and started typing before the cat started talking, too.  I just showered, brushed my teeth, and went to work.

He did not strike me down.  I woke up the next day.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  And His voice was in my ear.  His words were right at the edge of my fingertips, but I was not lifting a finger to type.  Not then.  Not for Him.

My grandma had a come to Jesus meeting with me.  She asked me if I could do her a favor.  She wanted me to start writing again.  She let me know that she frequently looked for a new blog, but nothing popped up.  I assured her that I would write again.  And I meant it, but I could not fathom the day that I would have anything to say.  I was not in a space where I had anything light and airy to talk about.  I did not want to share myself with the world.  I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and my sorrow.  But His voice was there, too.  Still and small.

Bible Study Brother talked to me about my blogging.  He listened as I shared my reservations.  He did not interrupt when I told Him that I did not have many flowery words to say.  When I finished my spiel, he reminded me of a fundamental truth.  The Bible Study Girl blog is not about the pretty parts of my journey.  It encompasses ALL my journey.  And while the story is very ugly right now, it is indeed still my story.  And he said my story needs to be heard.  Of course, I still just walked by the computer every day.  And the good Lord probably shook His head but continued talking to me.

Ya’ll know Bible Study Mama wore me out.  She started hounding me before the Holy Spirit did.  When was I going to start writing?  Was this the week?  What about this week?  My piercing stares and closed mouth were my typical answer.  Eventually, I generated a rote response that I would begin blogging again when the time was right.  Child, she wasn’t satisfied, and neither was the Holy Spirit.  But He did not holler.  Or set my house on fire or flatten my car tires.  He walked with me and talked with me.  Even though, I did NOT want to hear His voice.

Why was I being so stubborn?  What was keeping me from doing what He asked of me?  I was angry.  And disappointed.  And so sad.  So incredibly sad.  Unbelievably sad.  And I don’t know what to do with that.  I did not want to drag other people through this valley with me.  Shoot, I don’t want to be in this valley.  But it is my current reality.

I am not a fool.  Walking with Christ will have peaks and valleys.  Sunshine and rain.  Mourning and dancing.  It is one thing to know that intellectually and a completely different thing to live that out with grace.  But the key for me…the tipping point of my surrender…is that I know that I can only do it WITH Him by my side.  I can only make it out of the valley if I listen to His voice.  If I trust His guidance.  If I take His hand.  So, today I obeyed that still small voice, and I am trusting Him to walk me through this valley.  #wepreach