What is Forgiveness? Part I

Six years ago this November, a couple days after my 26th birthday, my uncle was shot and killed. I don’t often think about it. In fact, most days I just lock it away in the deep recesses of my mind. I seal any emotionally draining thoughts inside a vault of ironclad stoicism just so I can function. I do this so I don’t break down. Reality can be harsh sometimes.

I stare in the mirror and wonder what it truly means to forgive.  And can’t seem to come up with an answer. Somewhere, deep inside me, it feels like defeat to say “Hey, I forgive you for murdering my uncle in cold blood. I no longer harbor any ill will towards you and your family. It’s ok.”  It’s not.  Or rather, I’m not. I struggle with this very deeply and often joke that being a “Scorpio” means that I don’t want revenge. What I actually want is to crush your very existence into dust. This is all a bit extreme.  I know.  And I promise you this all has a point.

I remember sitting on the front pew of the church crying my eyes out in disbelief. My once favorite uncle was lying there lifeless in a casket. Looking not at all like himself. The only thing ringing in my head was one of our last interactions with one another. My cousin had brought her fiance/boyfriend at the time to meet him, and he had planned to ask my uncle for her hand in marriage.

Well, what ended up happening was my uncle was in one of his “crazy” moods.  He decided that he felt like talking crazy to my cousin which, for me, was a no go. So I stood up to him, and we argued a bit before he asked me to step outside.  I ignored his taunt and stayed seated. Letting him see I wasn’t moved nor threatened, and the situation ended without any hands having to be thrown.

Pissed doesn’t really describe what I was at him. It was more like disappointed. There was a time when this man could do no wrong in my eyes.  He made me feel like he was going to show me the world because he really cared for his nephew. He went from promising me he’d come and get me for a summer, to rambling nonsense that always made me mad. I just couldn’t comprehend why there’d been such a change.

Now, none of that mattered. My last talks with him weren’t about love, how I missed him, or wanting to share with him how much I’d grown. It was anger. Jesus, in the face of anger, hate, disrespect, unbearable pain, exhaustion, and betrayal, looked up and said to God, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” In the darkest moment, He found a way to still do what needed to be done.

It isn’t easy to forgive, and it’s even harder sometimes to figure out how. What I’ve learned over these years is that forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. It isn’t about revenge. It isn’t predicated on making the other person feel better. It’s simply allowing for God to be in control. Giving your pain, regrets, sadness, grief, and all other things to Him. It is realizing that in everything God has a plan. Don’t hold on to unforgiveness.  It will only keep you from the greater glory that’s on the other side.  Release it and allow God to show you why He’s in control and that He’s always there, even when you can’t understand His actions. It’s ok. You’re ok. Just follow His lead and all will be well.