God Allowed

God allowed a little girl to be molested for years.  She didn’t tell anyone or ask for help.  It was her secret shame.  Eventually, she told her mother, but the damage had been done.  She was forever scarred and broken.  I’m that little girl.

God allowed me to make one horrible decision after the other.  To be honest, I didn’t even realize how much molestation changed my life course.  I’m very guarded with my feelings and my friendship.  There is an impressive gate set around my heart that has strict orders to keep most people out.  To keep them away from the real me.

God allowed me to spiral into a true depression.  I was functional.  I went to work and made it through the days.  When I got home, I crashed and marinated in being alone.  In being on my island.  I curled into myself.  Putting on for other people can be exhausting.  Maintaining tight control of the boundaries of my heart single handedly is hard work.

God allowed me to realize that all I had was Him.  And if I let Him have my hurt, He could patch me up.  So, I gave it ALL over to Him.  My anger.  My fear.  My sadness.  My heart.  I gave up control.

God allowed doors to open up.  I went to youniquefoundation.org and applied to attend their Haven Retreat.  A haven, by definition, is a safe place.  And last week, I got the opportunity to begin healing in a safe place.  The Younique Foundation is not a Christian organization.  It was founded by a woman who survived childhood sexual abuse.  She wanted other women to know that they weren’t alone.  She wanted them to know that there is hope and help.

God allowed me to tell my story.  I met women from around the country who knew my story before I ever opened my mouth, because it was their story too.  And although it has generally been a story of defeat, the retreat gave me the opportunity to see that my story is not over.  My story can have a marvelous ending.

God allowed unspeakable hurt.  God allowed dashed dreams.  God allowed desperate prayers.  God allowed doubt.  God allowed fear.  But God also allowed faith.  God allowed purpose.  God allowed promise to sprout up in me.  God allowed a haven to soothe my soul.  God allowed peace.  God allowed passion.  God allowed grace.  God allowed another chance for me to see a better end.  #wepreach #godallowed